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dark_paradise2
21 August 2009 @ 12:28 am

I don't feel comfortable anymore sharing the content of my journal with everyone in the world. This journal is now friends only. Just comment and I'll add you.




credit goes to elliemoran for the banner.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Out of Line - The Bravery
 
 
dark_paradise2
17 August 2009 @ 01:50 am

Since it was my parents anniverary, I arranged for them to go on a little mini vacation. I set up the reservation, did the research, looked up prices, reviews, EVERYTHING. And I finally convinced them to go. I knew my mom would be pretty bummed if she didn't do anything for it since they usually just go to dinner for their "celebration", then call it a night. Everything was going as planned: my mom got her vacation, my dad got his vacation, I'd get my vacation from them. But things went downhill.

On saturday I got back from a workshop I had to attend and was ready to babysit my little brother (my grandma had been there "watching" him). When I saw him, he was still in his PJs and hadn't ate breakfast or lunch. So much for her "watching."  After getting him changed and feeding him, I played wii with him for a couple hours to keep ourselves occupied. When I finally got tired, he agreed he'd turn off the wii and watch a pokemon movie.

Later I began fixing dinner. As I was halfway through the first portion, he looks into the freezer and notices that the small container and ice cream mom had left for him was gone. Then he began asking where it went. I told him I didn't know, and then I realized my container was also gone. Then we got to grandma and she said she ate it claiming there weren't names on them and that she was sorry. Then my brother broke down and grandma begins chuckling and laughing. And then my brother went apeshit. I started slaming the fridge door and stomping and screaming. So, of course, I wasn't going to have him break a fridge over a pint of ice cream and deciplined him. Then he stayed in his room screaming at the top of his lungs as though there were a bloody murder.

My mom couldn't believe how he flipped out because of an ice cream (we had to call her cell). There were fudge-cicles, but those "didn't taste as good to him." I was ready to beat him to a bloody pulp.

On sunday, I was making breakfast for my brother and I and had to listen to my grandma go on and on and on about how we were lazy kids. She talked about how my brother didn't take the trash out (I usually do this task anyway) and when I left the kitchen for a split second she started talking behind me back so I spoke up. Then she talked more shit, saying " I'm beginning to dislike you. My kids wouldn't saying that to me. I don't know how your mother deal with you all. If you were my kids..." I've heard the phrase "I'm beginning to dislike you" all throughout my childhood. I still wish I could be able to trade my grandma in for a pony (or at least a grandma who loves and spoils her grandchildren with cookies and compliments).

She irks we so much. She compares herself to Jesus and sees the rest of us as flaw-prone-dumb-asses. I love Jesus, but lord I am ready to strike that lady down myself (with a baseball bat). I thought she was going to church and would leave me to babysit for the rest of the day (since things got under control). But she hung around, and we had to listen to her insults and her gospel music.

To top off a craptacular weekend, my brother got water all over the kitchen floor and didn't clean it up because he wanted to go back to playing the wii. Long story short, I made him clean it up, my parents arrived home and I collapsed into oblivion as my shoulders, back, and arms throbbed with pain (and stress).

My brother got yelled at by my parents for acting an ass.
 

 
 
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
 
 
dark_paradise2
16 August 2009 @ 02:06 am


I've realized how much I feel like my teen years have been a waste. I mean, I haven't been to any crazy parties, been able to hang out with friends afterschool all the time at their houses, been going to the mall, or have ever been to a single dance. I've had a crappy relationship. I sucked into a downward spiral of bad habits. I've worked my ass off to the point of insanity. I've focused on AP homework 24/7. 

It's senior year and I'm tired. I have 3 weeks left to finish up several homework assignments and no drive or will to do so. This is a major problem. I need to get into a college. But I want a break so badly. I want to go shopping downtown with a group of friends, I want to catch a bus to the beach, I want to get lost and find my way back home. I want more adventures. More relaxation. I want to have friends who I feel like I can tell everything to, without the harsh judgement. I want them to loosen up. I want to loosen up. I constantly feel like my body is constantly  tied to a board. The stress is too much!!!!

 I want to freeze time. I feel old. I feel like my life is already over. It must sound wierd coming from a 17 year old. I think I'm having an extremely early mid-life crisis.

 
 
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: time won't let me go - the bravery
 
 
dark_paradise2
01 August 2009 @ 12:37 am
I have three days until I get to go to a San Diego college tour. Yes!!! Time completely away from my family!!! I get to share a room with 2 of my friends and 1 of them is completely crazy. She's such a wild child that she's fun. I would really hate to see her drunk. She acts crazy enough for people to think she is drunk! LOL She knows it and doesn't care. I wonder what we'll all do at night. I know we're all going to be running the streets one of the nights but I don't know exactly what we'll do. I also wonder if we'd be able to sneak out to the pool at night or maybe we'll be too tired. Knowing my friend, people would complain about her being too loud.

Hopefully everything is fun and goes well. I heard that there's going to be 1 queen sized bed in our room, and if there is that mean the 3 of us would have to share it. I don't think that would go well and hopefully there's a chair or roll-away bed to sleep in. I would hope to bunk on the floor.
 
 
Current Mood: giddygiddy
 
 
dark_paradise2

I need to rant

Thou shall not kill thou shall not kill thou shall not kill. I keep chanting to myself thou shall not kill. My grandma makes it difficult. She bictches, she picks, she bickers, and then she turns around and acts saintly to others. First she goes on and on and on about how Michael Jackson fans are trying to treat him like a god.  WE'RE NOT TREATING HIM LIKE A GOD, WERE JUST HONORING HIS LIFE YOU OLD HAG!!! She kept going on about how it was a sin and how was bad that people thought of him as king. HE'S THE KING OF POP! NOBODY'S CALLING HIM KING YOU OLD FART!!!

She always makes snide remarks that poke and hurt and gut me in the stomach. Today (or yesterday, however you wanna phrase it) my aunt visited with my cousin and their cute little mutt. She began putting on her facade of being all nice. It's a damn shame that she can't be nice to the people who live within the same city as her. Anyway, they decided to go to the park and took my brother. As she walked out the door she said to me "I didn't expect you to go anyway."  What the fuck does that mean?!!! The bitch finally showed her true colors as she was leaving. She fawned over how beautiful my cousin was and pratically glorified my aunt. I SEE HER ALMOST EVERYDAY AND SHE MOSTLY BITCHES ABOUT MY APPERANCE AND POINTS OUT ALL MY FLAWS!!! WHEN I FINALLY FEEL OKAY ABOUT SOMETHING (or may not even be thinking about it) SHE COMES ALONG AND MAKES REMARKS ABOUT HOW MY SKIN IS OR MY BODY SHAPE OR MY CLOTHING!  I know it's a stupid little statement that I shouldn't think much of but I've had to put up with her for years. SHE'S STARTING TO PUT DOWN MY BROTHER AS WELL! She's gotta go. One of us has to go. I'm fed up with her, my parents are, my brother is. I'm tired.

Why do the out-of-towners get the special treatment? What makes them so special? Nothing. Maybe she sees that my cousin will become something and she thinks I'll be proudly owning my own crack-house by age 27. That bicth is sadly mistaken. My whole damn family is sadly mistaken.

And she has the nerve to think that I will drive her god knows how many miles to go visit my aunt. HELL NO!!! We can barely stay in the same room until she starts talking shit. She better find some other poor sucker (like her own kids) to hitchhike with cause she won't use me.

Also, all of a sudden my aunt wants to hang out with me. She didn't give a fuck about hanging out with me before. Why? Maybe it's cause she figures that she's carless when she visits so she can now use me to drive around town.  She's not gonna use me for my fucking car. Hell to the no!!!!  GGGGRRRR!!!!  She could have cared less if she spent 1 minute with me. Now all of a sudden she promises to spend time with me. Thanks but no thanks auntie. The next time you visit, I'll make sure I take special trip with my car to get away from you and my cousin. If I can't go to my friends house, I'll even drive to the library to avoid having to be used. 

TO BAD YOU CAN'T CHOSE FAMILY

I'M SO PISSED OFF I COULD LIGHT STUFF ON FIRE!!!

BURN BABY BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
Current Mood: angryangry
 
 
 
dark_paradise2
04 July 2009 @ 01:48 am
I already know I don't have the healthiest body in the world (in fact I'm always sick). This heat has given me headaches back to back. I've still been throwing up. And of course the dizziness is not fun either. I'm going to bed. Or I guess I'll try to go to bed. It's so fucking hot!!!

Summer resolution:

Post a pic of me in my fluffy black petticoat & my new car.


I tried to upload a pic of my car the other time, and my retarded dial up internet died.  x_x    I need a better internet service or another visit to the library. 

The library is not my friend (or rather the people there).
 
 
Current Mood: hothot & sick
 
 
dark_paradise2
27 June 2009 @ 12:20 am
Today at the grocery store I had to approch a employee at the store to ask where the canned fruit was and I didn't want to. My mom and I had been searching everywhere for it so she told me to go ask. If I told her I didn't want to, she'd be pissed off at my fear of people and call me a coward. Then I would have to listen to a speech (just like the one my dad gave me) on how I am almost an adult and I'm going to have to learn to deal with people even though I'm awkward in almost every way possible.

So I swallowed my fear and approached a man in a red vest that had finished talking to another employee. I asked him quickly and I felt like he gave me the strangest look. It could be all in my head, but I felt shaky. He told me it was the aisle we were standing next to and I quickly took off back to my mom, forgeting to say thank you.

It was only a five second interaction, yet I feared it so much. It's always this way when I go out in public. When I can't find something I feel sick and I want to run out of the store rather than approach someone for help. It's safer that way: I don't start shaking of nervousness or blurt out something incredibly stupid.

I even hate it when someone is in the way of something I want and I have to tell them "excuse me" just to get them to move.

I hate being anti-social. It makes me seem like an even bigger freak.
 
 
Current Mood: nervousnervous
 
 
dark_paradise2
25 June 2009 @ 11:27 pm


  Today wasn't that much of an eventful day. I had to babysit my brother while both of my parents were at work. He annoyed the hell out of me because he was bored and I locked myself in my room trying to complete homework. I cleaned up some plums that fell at the bottom of my mom's plum tree while my gianormous dog attacked my brother and I. I nearly got ran over by my dog and while I was using a rake to gather the plums, the stupid mutt runs into the rake and pushed splinters into my hand. I was ready to beat the shit out of it. I don't know why the dog is so wild and hyper. It's annoying how you can't go outside with having him jump on you and risk tearing your clothes.

   I have learned that I have gotten better and more confident with my driving. Even though I only have practiced 2 or 3 times, I'm able to make u-turns, drive in a straight line (I couldn't do that before lol), and pull out of a parking spot. I could use a little work on parking though. Me and Lily are two of a kind. I named my car Lily because I saw a lily on one of my mom's dresses at the time and just decided it was a pretty name for a cute little car.

 
 

The part of the day that wasn't so great was hearing that the King of Pop died. I was like "WTF?!!!" He's so young how did Michael Jackson just die?! I mean I heard about him planning a tour in Europe so I'm sure almost everyone figured: he must be in good enough shape to go on tour. It's sad that this happened. I still wonder about him and those little boys though...

I kinda feel sorry for Ferra Fawcett because her death has been over shadowed by Jackson's.  -_-

 



(a cute pic of Michael Jackson when he was still black and wasn't so scary looking) 

 

 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
 
 
dark_paradise2
13 June 2009 @ 12:57 am
I'm suprised that this week turned out okay. At first, it was hell. I went to bed late and got up early for school but it brightened. On sunday I went to a flea market and got flufy black petticoat skirt to make an outfit more interesting. It's so pretty! It has a little rose sewn into the bottom left corner of it. I love it <3 and I love the flea market. At first I was a but skeptical about it, but a friend told me about it and how it was somewhat better than a swap-meet. Compared to the swap-meets, (which have the same thing over and over for the most part and its difficult to bargain) flea markets have so much vintage and classic stuff. I saw 1920s jewelry and fell in love, browsed clothes from different eras, and saw old toys (like a mini german marry-go-round from around WWII).

The teachers at school haven't been too bad. Plus I'm glad I only have 1 more week (mon-wed). Yes! SO CLOSE! But then I have a summer program to go to. NOOOOOO!!!!  At least I'll have a good 5 day break.  *sigh*

My best day of the week was Wednesday. Why? I got a CAR. Yes!!!!  A blue 2003 ford focus. Its a beauty. It has a few scraches but no dents, the inside looks clean, and its a small car that drives well. The down side is that I still need to get my permit.  -_-    And the guy who was selling the car took out the radio to make sure it wasn't stolen, but he forgot how to put it back in. *sigh* Now that has to be fixed. On the bright side I got a reasonable car that looks great and was built within this century. And I told most of my friends. Now when I get my lisense, my friends are expecting trips to the mall (but they'll have to chip in on gas).

Besides the major event, there were minor ones. I was able to come home from counseling without feeling the tension from my parents. I got an A in AP Art, and I got elected and won for the second time as secretary for Christian Club. Plus we had a pizza party this week. I passed an english test on the first try and the bio group project got an A.

A good week indeed.

Now to worry about next year's classes ( oh, the torture of having to speak to my school counselor who couldn't give less of a shit about what classes I'm put in). She angers me.
 
 
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
 
 
dark_paradise2
05 June 2009 @ 09:52 pm

   It's been hectic. I've been so busy trying to keep up with school work, projects, and personal reading that I've been using my spare time sleeping. It's non stop work. But two fridays ago I was able to go to the movies with friends. They acted really ghetto but it was fun because they brought 2 ginormous bags of chips, plastic cups, and a minute maid carton of limonade. We laughed our asses off at the movie Dance Flick. It was one of the stupidest movies I've ever watched but I enjoyed it.

    But now its buckle down and work work work with hardly any decent sleep. I've been trying to change the voice in my head. What I mean is, when I think or do something, there's something in the back of my mind telling me I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, why bother?, I'm ugly inside and out. I've managed to limit the whole I'm-not-good-enough voice but  the you're-ugly-and-deserve-to-be-alone voice still rages. I can't think sometimes. Last saturday I went to the mall with my mentor and it was torture, not because I do not enjoy her company, but because I felt so out of place and uncomfotable in my own skin. Normally I enjoy the mall, but that day it was so crowded with other teens (all of them taller and prettier and with more money). I wanted to leave but I didn't want to make it seem as though I didn't want to hang with her. Next time we go somewhere, I'm going back to globbing on make-up. 

    I have continued going to my psychologist. I'm not sure where my mom stands anymore on the whole "being against this nonsense" sort of thing. She did give me a book on depression and anxiety (which I assumed she was trying to be more understanding). But the other day, she brought up in a conversation that I enjoyed constantly hurting her by going to this man. Does she not understand that only a book will not help me as much as me also talking out my emotions? I can't seem to ever get that through her head because she doesn't want to hear it. Besides, I think this is one of the few choices in my life that I don't regret making because I feel its helping me. Plus I still need to work on not haboring my anger and feel as though I can make my own decisions. I'm so used to my parents making them for me that feel like I can't make my own choice without making the wrong one. So yes mother, I'm sorry but I need this. I think you're just angry because you know it too. 

    Last but not least, I've been shutting down like a laptop with a drained battery. On minute I'm sitting in class, the next my mind is in the bottom of a lake and my mood makes it feel as though there's weights on my back. On the bright side: I'm secretary of Christian Club for a second term.  

SAT II's tomorrow. Damn.

 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired