I don't feel comfortable anymore sharing the content of my journal with everyone in the world. This journal is now friends only. Just comment and I'll add you.
credit goes to elliemoran for the banner.
Since it was my parents anniverary, I arranged for them to go on a little mini vacation. I set up the reservation, did the research, looked up prices, reviews, EVERYTHING. And I finally convinced them to go. I knew my mom would be pretty bummed if she didn't do anything for it since they usually just go to dinner for their "celebration", then call it a night. Everything was going as planned: my mom got her vacation, my dad got his vacation, I'd get my vacation from them. But things went downhill.
On saturday I got back from a workshop I had to attend and was ready to babysit my little brother (my grandma had been there "watching" him). When I saw him, he was still in his PJs and hadn't ate breakfast or lunch. So much for her "watching." After getting him changed and feeding him, I played wii with him for a couple hours to keep ourselves occupied. When I finally got tired, he agreed he'd turn off the wii and watch a pokemon movie.
Later I began fixing dinner. As I was halfway through the first portion, he looks into the freezer and notices that the small container and ice cream mom had left for him was gone. Then he began asking where it went. I told him I didn't know, and then I realized my container was also gone. Then we got to grandma and she said she ate it claiming there weren't names on them and that she was sorry. Then my brother broke down and grandma begins chuckling and laughing. And then my brother went apeshit. I started slaming the fridge door and stomping and screaming. So, of course, I wasn't going to have him break a fridge over a pint of ice cream and deciplined him. Then he stayed in his room screaming at the top of his lungs as though there were a bloody murder.
My mom couldn't believe how he flipped out because of an ice cream (we had to call her cell). There were fudge-cicles, but those "didn't taste as good to him." I was ready to beat him to a bloody pulp.
On sunday, I was making breakfast for my brother and I and had to listen to my grandma go on and on and on about how we were lazy kids. She talked about how my brother didn't take the trash out (I usually do this task anyway) and when I left the kitchen for a split second she started talking behind me back so I spoke up. Then she talked more shit, saying " I'm beginning to dislike you. My kids wouldn't saying that to me. I don't know how your mother deal with you all. If you were my kids..." I've heard the phrase "I'm beginning to dislike you" all throughout my childhood. I still wish I could be able to trade my grandma in for a pony (or at least a grandma who loves and spoils her grandchildren with cookies and compliments).
She irks we so much. She compares herself to Jesus and sees the rest of us as flaw-prone-dumb-asses. I love Jesus, but lord I am ready to strike that lady down myself (with a baseball bat). I thought she was going to church and would leave me to babysit for the rest of the day (since things got under control). But she hung around, and we had to listen to her insults and her gospel music.
To top off a craptacular weekend, my brother got water all over the kitchen floor and didn't clean it up because he wanted to go back to playing the wii. Long story short, I made him clean it up, my parents arrived home and I collapsed into oblivion as my shoulders, back, and arms throbbed with pain (and stress).
My brother got yelled at by my parents for acting an ass.
I've realized how much I feel like my teen years have been a waste. I mean, I haven't been to any crazy parties, been able to hang out with friends afterschool all the time at their houses, been going to the mall, or have ever been to a single dance. I've had a crappy relationship. I sucked into a downward spiral of bad habits. I've worked my ass off to the point of insanity. I've focused on AP homework 24/7.
It's senior year and I'm tired. I have 3 weeks left to finish up several homework assignments and no drive or will to do so. This is a major problem. I need to get into a college. But I want a break so badly. I want to go shopping downtown with a group of friends, I want to catch a bus to the beach, I want to get lost and find my way back home. I want more adventures. More relaxation. I want to have friends who I feel like I can tell everything to, without the harsh judgement. I want them to loosen up. I want to loosen up. I constantly feel like my body is constantly tied to a board. The stress is too much!!!!
I want to freeze time. I feel old. I feel like my life is already over. It must sound wierd coming from a 17 year old. I think I'm having an extremely early mid-life crisis.
Today wasn't that much of an eventful day. I had to babysit my brother while both of my parents were at work. He annoyed the hell out of me because he was bored and I locked myself in my room trying to complete homework. I cleaned up some plums that fell at the bottom of my mom's plum tree while my gianormous dog attacked my brother and I. I nearly got ran over by my dog and while I was using a rake to gather the plums, the stupid mutt runs into the rake and pushed splinters into my hand. I was ready to beat the shit out of it. I don't know why the dog is so wild and hyper. It's annoying how you can't go outside with having him jump on you and risk tearing your clothes.
I have learned that I have gotten better and more confident with my driving. Even though I only have practiced 2 or 3 times, I'm able to make u-turns, drive in a straight line (I couldn't do that before lol), and pull out of a parking spot. I could use a little work on parking though. Me and Lily are two of a kind. I named my car Lily because I saw a lily on one of my mom's dresses at the time and just decided it was a pretty name for a cute little car.
The part of the day that wasn't so great was hearing that the King of Pop died. I was like "WTF?!!!" He's so young how did Michael Jackson just die?! I mean I heard about him planning a tour in Europe so I'm sure almost everyone figured: he must be in good enough shape to go on tour. It's sad that this happened. I still wonder about him and those little boys though...
I kinda feel sorry for Ferra Fawcett because her death has been over shadowed by Jackson's. -_-
(a cute pic of Michael Jackson when he was still black and wasn't so scary looking)
It's been hectic. I've been so busy trying to keep up with school work, projects, and personal reading that I've been using my spare time sleeping. It's non stop work. But two fridays ago I was able to go to the movies with friends. They acted really ghetto but it was fun because they brought 2 ginormous bags of chips, plastic cups, and a minute maid carton of limonade. We laughed our asses off at the movie Dance Flick. It was one of the stupidest movies I've ever watched but I enjoyed it.
But now its buckle down and work work work with hardly any decent sleep. I've been trying to change the voice in my head. What I mean is, when I think or do something, there's something in the back of my mind telling me I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, why bother?, I'm ugly inside and out. I've managed to limit the whole I'm-not-good-enough voice but the you're-ugly-and-deserve-to-be-alone voice still rages. I can't think sometimes. Last saturday I went to the mall with my mentor and it was torture, not because I do not enjoy her company, but because I felt so out of place and uncomfotable in my own skin. Normally I enjoy the mall, but that day it was so crowded with other teens (all of them taller and prettier and with more money). I wanted to leave but I didn't want to make it seem as though I didn't want to hang with her. Next time we go somewhere, I'm going back to globbing on make-up.
I have continued going to my psychologist. I'm not sure where my mom stands anymore on the whole "being against this nonsense" sort of thing. She did give me a book on depression and anxiety (which I assumed she was trying to be more understanding). But the other day, she brought up in a conversation that I enjoyed constantly hurting her by going to this man. Does she not understand that only a book will not help me as much as me also talking out my emotions? I can't seem to ever get that through her head because she doesn't want to hear it. Besides, I think this is one of the few choices in my life that I don't regret making because I feel its helping me. Plus I still need to work on not haboring my anger and feel as though I can make my own decisions. I'm so used to my parents making them for me that feel like I can't make my own choice without making the wrong one. So yes mother, I'm sorry but I need this. I think you're just angry because you know it too.
Last but not least, I've been shutting down like a laptop with a drained battery. On minute I'm sitting in class, the next my mind is in the bottom of a lake and my mood makes it feel as though there's weights on my back. On the bright side: I'm secretary of Christian Club for a second term.
SAT II's tomorrow. Damn.